November 19th, 2012

Diana Guerrero


A warrior doesn't need personal history. One day, he finds it is no longer necessary for him, and he drops it.

A beautiful quote I read today and it really moved me. It moved me for several reasons. I think these words sum up the last three months of my life. I have begun to let go of the past and accept my present. It’s interesting that we live so obsessed with everything in our possession and what we can achieve. I have lived with everything and I have lived with nothing. I still exist in the same soul and that is what makes me a warrior. I fight for it, the answers to my questions. I am not a warrior in the sense of fighting battles or destroying adversaries but more a warrior of myself. Trying to make a way for the world to work for me.

I have recently let go of the past in many ways and its truly liberating. I began by deleting emails and phone numbers from the past, deleting MySpace, and letting go of my life before the now. I will no longer dwell on the past. I have always been, for lack of a better word, a gypsy. I go where I want and partake of the world in my own ways while honoring my moral compass that guides me. I don’t judge others when possible and expect the same in return.

I have learned that the only way to be truly free is when you are no longer tied down to the world. I think that is why ancient man never created a book called “He’s just not that into you”. The world has changed. The relationship structure has changed and many assume this is for the best. Is this for the best?

Ancient warriors would fight and return home as victors. There was a sense of honor and they never worried about their credit scores or who to ask out on a date. They took what they want, had a moral code, and fought for the rest. There is always a downside but the basic idea is interesting to me.

Simple lives existing in simple ways was the idea and it seemed to serve its function. Why must we constantly try to progress? This constant need to acquire more and more, create more and more, and to live longer and longer seems to be quite unique our day and age.

I am letting go of my past world. I am seeking a spiritual enlightenment of some kind. I see the world in its true nature of good and bad and realize that without humans, the world would not exist. We cohabitate and we need each other, we all need each other.
Diana Guerrero

Fate VS Free Will

We don't choose the things we believe in; they choose us."
—Lamar Burgess

Ive been contemplating these kind of questions more as of late. Its easy not to think about such dire things but it comes up everydayWe don't choose the things we believe in; they choose us."
—Lamar Burgess

Ive been contemplating these kind of questions more as of late. Its easy not to think about such dire things but it comes up everyday. For a long time...I believed in free will. We make our choices. We define our paths.

But lately..ive questioned this. Do we have any control? Its easy to say frees us to an extent. Frees us from the burden of mistakes made, consequences. We can do whatever we want. When things happen in life that surprise us and we cant explain how they seems to point us in the fate direction. Im interested to find out how some of you guys look at this. Have you experienced events that changed your path..changed your mind? . For a long time...I believed in free will. We make our choices. We define our paths.

But lately..ive questioned this. Do we have any control? Its easy to say frees us to an extent. Frees us from the burden of mistakes made, consequences. We can do whatever we want. When things happen in life that surprise us and we cant explain how they seems to point us in the fate direction. Im interested to find out how some of you guys look at this. Have you experienced events that changed your path..changed your mind?
Diana Guerrero


"Friendship is delicate as a glass, once broken it can be fixed but there will always be cracks"

"Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other."
- Honore Debalazac

"Friends are just enimies who don't have enough guts to kill you"

"Friends are like have to look out for the pricks!

"Whenever a friend suceeds, a little something in me dies."
- Gore Vidal

"I don't trust him. We're friends."
- Bertolt Brecht

"Only enemies speak the truth, friends and lovers lie endlessly, caught in the web of duty."
Diana Guerrero

OK to Be OK

Weight on your shoulder.

It’s interesting to realize what you have learned from a relationship. A new relationship, be that with a friend or lover, can bring out sides of you and emotions that you never knew possible. Of course, we see the good sides but the other deeper sides can also prove to be very interesting. Even when we feel that we failed at a relationship, we can still gather some sort of information from our time spent.

Ending something is hard and can sometimes feel like you won’t make it past the first month. The worst break up is when you feel that you gave 120% of yourself and you got less than 50% in return. The embarrassment, the anger and the pain can make it feel like it won’t get better but it does eventually. In an effort to remember words of wisdom that I have gathered in my 28 years in the dating world, I have compiled a list of suggestions.

• Don’t be afraid to ask yourself the tough questions? It’s good to get deep with the situation and see what caused the problems. Even if we feel the other person is at fault, we can always examine our own actions.

• Often times, the ex will want to remain friends with you but give yourself some time and distance. I have learned that you should give yourself a break from the drama and ignore the emails, the phone calls or the texting. That’s not to say you can’t ever be friends but you need to put some distance between yourself and the person of conflict.

• Reflect but don't get sucked back into a black hole. Whether you ended it, were broken up with, or it ended mutually, it’s good to remain steadfast on the decision. We always look back with open and happy eyes but the problems will still exist. If you could not work past it the first time, you won’t work past it a second time most likely. Don’t play these games. Move past it and work for the future. I have found that working on your own foundation is a good start. Get a massage, work out more, take an art class, anything that will benefit your spiritual and emotional growth.

• Accept the pain and anger. If you have friends who don’t want to hear it, tell them to fuck off. True friends will listen even if you have told the same story 17 times. Be honest and cry if you need to and don’t feel bad about your emotions. Most likely, all those feelings had been trying to get out for awhile. Let it out and then you can get past it with clarity.

• You will feel jealous. You might begin checking Facebook to see if they have any new friends that they could be dating or hooking up with. This is quite common but don’t succumb to the pressure. I have learned that ignorance can sometimes be bliss. Just stop yourself from trying to get more information and let the jealousy go if you can. It’s hard but must be done.

• Find a good outlet once your friends have told you to shut up. Yes, I stated above that a good friend will listen no matter what, but most people are not that patient. Find a way to let out your feelings. I write, privately. I keep a private blog that allows me to express myself with no thought of people viewing it or judging me. Judgment can be a big problem for most people so get rid of that obstacle. It’s good to write down your feelings so you can look back later and realize how you felt and it can help you to avoid the same mistakes.

• Finally, just let go. It’s probably the most difficult thing to do but it has to be done. You have to let go of the ghost of the relationship because the shadow will haunt you forever. Love comes and love goes but it’s unending and there is no shortage. It all comes full circle.

These are all suggestions that I have learned along the way from my relationships and my friends relationships.
Diana Guerrero


People are so fast at walking in this place. It’s as though the streets are made of fire. Nothing is as it should be but everything exists in a perfect place. The constant noise, the cries for help and the ecstasy of the day are all part of my walk to and from life. I do feel like a day sleeper. I exist at night and that’s where I feel so very alive. The light is sublime but why must I get up early to get a start on the day? This myth that the world only will exist at the peak hours of nine to five is absurd. I have learned a lot in the comfort of night.

I have taken many hands in the night and had meaningful talks. I have had my first kiss, the first puff of a cigarette, my first and not last heartbreak, and so many travels that it has to be magic. When I feel the wind on my face and the breeze from the ocean with only the stars, I am completely at peace. I can look into the darkness and see so much more than I see in the daylight. The daylight is misleading and will only lie to you. Once the shades are closed, that is when the truth is revealed.

I miss my innocence.

The truth is in the eye of the beholder but why must it always be true. Let’s just take a moment to believe a lie. The world will get better. My family will always enjoy great health. I will find a love that will test the sands of time. I will conquer my fears and become a better man for it and live to see my dreams for the world come to fruition.

We always need something more. What is enough? Once you start to ask the Why’s, the how’s and the many questions of existence, that is when you wake up to the hidden truth.
Diana Guerrero

Holiday Blues

I find it difficult to function in social situations. I feel either overwhelmed or ignored. It's hard to have conversations with strangers who really don't care about your answers. I find that strangers only really listen if they need something or want to have sex with you, or a combination of both. At 21, my social skills were great. I could fake my way through a conversation about Tom, Dick or Jane all the while smiling with interest at the story, even though I had no idea who these people were or why they were part of the story.

At 31, it's a different story. I find that if people are not talking to me, I don't make an effort. Lets be honest, it's rare to meet someone new in San Francisco who can talk about anything other than drugs, sex or their looks. It's always refreshing to meet people who enjoy talking about things of broad topic but it seems so rare that I might as well look for a unicorn. This is not limited to San Francisco as I encounter the same thing in Los Angeles and anywhere I travel. A way of the world? Perhaps.

I miss my southern roots.

I think the only thing more frustrating than starting a conversation with someone I don't know is when people don't make formal introductions. I'm old school and if you meet a friend of mine, I try to give something of common interest. It's the polite thing to do when these two people have no real mutual interest other than you. I'm sure that some people think I am a complete a-hole on the first meeting and they might be correct. I'm usually just quiet until I have something I can talk about or someone starts a conversation of which I have a background. This happens all the time to me at work or out in a bar. If I had a dollar for every friend who got mad because I was not jumping into a conversation but never really introduced me, I might be able to buy some nice pants. I could just be a social outcast, it's very likely.

The holidays bring out the best and the worst in people. Why can't people be nice all year long? Why must the positive energy only exist for one day. Let's begin buying presents for loved ones all year long and try to do one positive thing for someone a day. In a city like San Francisco, you see so much that it feels as though I am the luckiest man alive as I don't deal with things nearly as hard as so many but I still look to what I need and realize that it's not material in nature. During the holidays, I seem to meet so many new people and feel overwhelmed with the pressure of it all. Can't I just be quiet? Must we constantly talk to make others feel comfortable? Why can't we just enjoy the silence?
Diana Guerrero

Emo Gas Tank

Everyone has an emotional gas tank inside them. Inside most of us, our tanks are filled with anger, sadness, fear, or negative emotions. These emotions can build up over time. It's easy for these negative views to interfere with the good vibes in our tanks.

Anger is so easy to spot yet so unpredictable. Anger is like a bad pipe. It can start out like a small leak but build up and accumulate until it explodes all over the floor. It's usually exploding on someone who wasn't aware there was a problem or knew there was some piping issues and ignored it. Either way, you are soaked in your own water.

Patterns begin when we are toddlers. We learn how to eat, to read, and how to pick up bad habits. Once burned, it's easy to become those people that you think are so sad and so bitter. You see them all the time, on the bus or on the freeways of America. Anger is a pattern that just grows over time and can become so vicious that you can't even realize the source of your anger, an emotional time bomb.

There is a solution to this problem. It's so simple yet so hard to remember in the bad times, forgiveness. We should not regret what we said, but regret what we didn't say when we had the chance. Mistakes are a part of life and you can't cut everyone out who makes mistakes.

I think forgiveness is a learned technique. I can't recall how many times I have said that I would never forgive someone for breaking my heart or not saying the words I needed to hear. It's a learned process, forgiving, and its quite hard to do.

I like to think that I have to take my emotional gas tank and just dump all the junk out, let it go. Try and fill it with the good stuff that I need like patience and joy. As I get older, it's becoming more important. There is just not enough time in this life to hold on to anger and sadness.

There is no easy process to get rid of anger. Everything goes away. It's a constant in life. It's impossible to trust the material stuff as it all fades away and we are left with the memories. I guess you have to unstuck yourself from those feelings, those memories. It's impossible to expect people to be perfect as it's just unattainable.

When I get angry, I get sore. I literally feel it in my body. It's not good for your head or your body. I have read studies that indicate that anger can have really strong effects on your body and I think it's true. When I was reading all these stories on Proposition 8 and I could see all the anger and hatred, it made me angry. I was playing right into the gimmick. They had me where they wanted, I was pissed. I was in the Castro on Friday night when the Yes on 8 people flanked the streets and tried to convince people of their way and I just felt angry. I thought the No people took it too far as they are entitled to free speech but I couldn't help but be angry with the lack of consideration of love they were showing for their fellow man. It was disturbing and just made me mad.

I had to let it go. I had to remind myself that I cannot change the world around me until I change my viewpoint on things. I have to address these issues internally and learn to address these things with people in a way where it's not coming from anger, but from education.

It's hard to let it go. I have had several friends today telling me stories of betrayal and anger and I too feel it today. I'm just learning to deal with things differently to get different results. I don't have to approve of the actions that cause my anger but my forgiveness works for me, it's my strength. It's the one thing that allows me to be free. It makes me feel like I am in control of how I feel, not others. I am only hurting myself by being angry and that's just, well, fucked up.

This probably seems like a really long entry about forgiveness but I don't think it's really that long considering how much time I have to spend forgiving. I have to forgive coworkers, friends, family, myself and sometimes God for not understanding why things happen. At the end of the day, I am making a deal with myself. 1) Not to take things too personally. 2) Quit blaming others and dwelling on it. I have decided that these are two actions that I can control and so I won't play into it. I know what's right and wrong and I know what I feel. Fuck anyone who tries to tell me how I feel. That's my job. I'm just going to enjoy life and not worry about the small stuff, join me or get off my road.
Diana Guerrero

The Fragile

Life changes so should feelings. It’s natural for a viewpoint to shift after some years. You can find someone so interesting and lovable but realize that those feelings were misguided. It’s an interesting development to realize that what you knew of love was nothing if not immature. To embrace love for the first time is life changing and so important. I think the transition from love to friendship is as easy as realizing that you have found something good. It takes embracing something magic to realize you never had it before. The true test to any relationship is how to survive it and if so, love it. Love the broken and fragile. The fragile is the sweetest part.
Broken bones heal but broken hearts always stay wounded. The fortunate souls who realize they are better off without the constant misery. I find it interesting to see the object of desire become human. We often see those we care for as more than human, they become the unattainable, the forbidden fruit. When those people fall, it’s hard not to smile at your loss. You might not have won the battle but the war seems to be in your own hands. It’s a very destructive viewpoint but an honest view that most people will never admit to feeling. It’s natural to take some sort of pleasure in seeing those that have hurt you and broken you, come undone. We should rejoice because we all feel pain and that’s what makes us so human. There is not pain without pleasure and in the pain, we find some semblance of who we are.
Diana Guerrero

Chemical Reaction

This is an interesting article I came across on Chemistry. Its a good read and pretty short.

By Amy Spencer
New York City-based writer Amy Spencer has contributed to Glamour, Maxim, New York and Real Simple.

Sweaty palms? Sort of. A pounding heart? A bit. Even so, you're still not completely sure there are sparks between you. Understandable: While it'd be nice to think that the earth moves and the angels sing when you've found The One, sometimes the signals that you two are truly meant for each other are much more subtle than that. Here are seven dead giveaways that singles often miss --

Subtle sign 1: You turn into a total klutz
So far, you've dropped your fork and knocked over your water glass...and that's before the entrées have arrived. While embarrassing, these gaffes are actually a good sign. "When you have serious chemistry, your body produces elevated levels of the neurotransmitter norepinephrine," says Helen Fisher, Ph.D., research professor of anthropology at Rutgers University. This, in turn, can make you jittery, uncoordinated, and a little accident-prone. And if you're embarrassed by your klutziness, that's a good sign, too! Because if you don't care what your date thinks of you, you probably don't think much of your date.

Subtle sign 2: You notice a tiny dent in your date's pinkie nail
Or that your date's hair flips up on the left but under on the right. You've never noticed something like that about a person before, so why now? Because when there's true chemistry, the body's levels of the chemical dopamine rise and lead to "imprinting," a theory of attachment discovered by German ethologist and Nobel Prize winner Niko Tinbergen. This imprinting makes you focus on this one person more clearly and notice the tiniest, most insignificant details about a person -- and their possessions. Says Dr. Fisher, "His car in the parking lot looks different. His backpack looks different. His coat on the coat rack stands out. Everything about him is special, novel, unique."

Subtle sign 3: You agree to split the spinach dip appetizer -- and you don't even like spinach dip!
True chemistry makes us more mellow than usual -- so don't be surprised if you find yourself being agreeable with your date in ways you might not with anyone else: You don't mind walking 10 blocks with your date from your parking spot. You're suddenly up for seeing a Corky Romano movie. And even though you're not a fan of Indian food, what the heck, you'll give it another shot. "When you're falling in love, you more easily surrender your boundaries because of a strong desire to merge with that person," explains Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Keeping the Love You Find.

Subtle sign 4: The room you're in seems brighter than usual
Did someone nudge up the dimmer switch? Perhaps. But it could also mean you're smitten, thanks to a physiological reaction discovered by University of Chicago biopsychologist Eckhard Hess, a pioneer in the area of "pupillometrics." In short, Hess found that when people look at something or someone that causes positive feelings or sparks interest, their pupils dilate in an attempt to take in more of it, also letting in more light as well.

Subtle sign 5: You're more fidgety during the date
If you find yourself tapping your leg or otherwise fidgeting during the date, rest assured: Whether you fully know it or not, you like this person. "These are 'displacement gestures' -- what you do when you're trying to decide what to do with yourself," explains Dr. Fisher. "If someone is smiling at you and you can't decide if you should smile back or look away, you play with your hair. Or you run your tongue along your teeth." This happens because your brain is over-stimulated, leading you to vent the extra energy with a little self-grooming. Some experts even argue that stroking your own arm or leg indicates a subconscious desire to reach out and touch the person you're with.

Subtle sign 6: You keep forgetting there's food on the table
When you're out with someone who doesn't float your boat, boy, do those garlic mashed potatoes taste good. But if you're feeling a chemical attraction to someone, the food being served is the last thing on your mind -- and not just because you're nervous. Blame this on elevated levels of the neurotransmitter dopamine, which fuels feelings of desire. Higher levels of dopamine, according to Dr. Fisher, "give you a feeling of lightness, increased energy and a feeling of minor ecstasy. And you're definitely not hungry!" So if your date seems disappointed that you only ate four bites of your steak, you can clear it up later by explaining what a five-star sign it really is.

Subtle sign 7: You feel more "familiar" with your date than "lusty"
Sure, most people think it's a good sign when they want to jump over the table and rip their date's clothes off. But let's be honest -- there are plenty of acquaintances you've wanted to do that to, and there was no deeper, underlying chemistry there. A stronger sign is that instead of feeling lust for your date, you're overwhelmed by a feeling of familiarity -- a sense of, "Gosh, I feel like I've known you before." The chemistry at work, says Dr. Hendrix, "is due to the emotional center in your brain's limbic system recognizing qualities in the person that resemble qualities about the caretakers we had during childhood." For example, a man might recognize a feeling of being at ease and nurtured the way his mother made him feel. A woman might feel comfortable with the dry humor of her date, similar to the way her father interacted with her. "This intense familiarity triggers the release of dopamine, which can lead to that 'Wow' feeling," explains Dr. Hendrix. Oh, and by this point, it's also definitely OK to want to jump over the table and rip your date's clothes off!